Saturday, January 24, 2009

a miracle.

how do people date later in life? when i think of the 27 years of history that makes me who i am, i cringe. how do you share 27 years of failures and mistakes and silly quirks to another human being who also has another impossible amount of years to explain to you? how is it that in this chaotic world you find someone who fits a list of qualifications you didn't even know you were keeping, while completing the same list for that other person, and then be in the right place at the right time in life and then to like each other together? being in love is nothing short of a miracle.

i learned to not regret, to take everything that i've experienced as another stepping stone towards becoming a better person and now... i worry everyday that i'm not growing fast enough. i'm not close enough to that end goal. there is so much more to do and until then, i feel like it's not fair to pursue anything else. i have to fix me before i can even think about exposing myself to a situation where i have to explain 27 years as well as my current state.

i'm nothing short of a patient suffering from a long-term (possibly fatal) disease. i don't know when i'll be cured or if i'll ever make it, only to die in a horrific twist of fate.

i look at the 27 years behind me and the mistakes are clear. the mistakes have also made me who i am today, but some parts of me today are better left unclaimed. those same mistakes have also strengthened me and hopefully imparted some wisdom (because i'd like to think i'm not a complete idiot). and while i hope to see myself as a half of a pair for the rest of my time on earth, i have no idea how i'm going to get there. to be able to overcome this massive amount of information that needs to passed on so that i may be completely understood; wholly loved and accepted.

i guess that's where God's grace fits in. i REALLY HOPE that's where God's grace fits in.

but in the end, i'm afraid that there may be way too much INEE for one person to handle.

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